1st
Inspired by unitdyfurrows, I reminisce
A friend wrote this about her life, which is really super different from my life. But it resonates with me, and I hope she doesn’t mind my responding to it with a story about me.
What she writes reminds me of how I felt when I dropped out of school. From inside my life, it was so clear that dropping out was best for me, and yet everyone around me was convinced I was making a huge mistake, throwing away potential, stuff like that. I had this sense that school and the way I had adapted to school had undermined a lot of who I really was, or used to be, or wanted to be. When people counseled me to stay in school, it seemed that they were saying that my continued performance as “the smart kid” was more important to them than my staying intact as a human being, and that hurt immensely. With some distance, I can start to understand that they didn’t see the system I was caught up in as the human sausage grinder that it was for me. But I’ve learned from that time to be careful with the advice I give other people—everyone knows so much more about their own life than any outsider ever could, and you never know what you might be missing.
It’s really easy to find yourself on a track you didn’t choose or wouldn’t choose now, with a lot of things pushing you to keep on the way you’re going. It’s weird that there would be a stigma associated with changing your mind, but I guess there is. Also with taking breaks. Taking breaks is, like, known to help almost any endeavor. Why do we have such disapproval for people stepping off the track?
Seriously, though, I keep obsessing over how hard it is to admit to people in authority what I actually want.
For now, I want a job that pays me adequately and doesn’t ask me to be brilliant or ambitious. I want to not challenge myself in school or career-oriented ways instead of forcing myself to do things that build skills or pad my resume but make me unhappy. I want to take on more craft projects. I want to read books freely like I used to. I want to make art and beautify my home, keep it clean and bright and perfectly comfortable. I want to learn to cook again. I want to buy a cello on Craigslist and listen to more music too. I want to learn to relax again, to just be peaceful and let go of worries, like I haven’t been able to in years. I want to reclaim my attention span and be able to sit in my chair and read all day without nervously jumping up every ten minutes to poke at something or check my email. I want to love and appreciate N and love the cats and not be so cranky. I want to feel awake and alive, not tired and miserable all the time. I want to get better now so that I can do better and more later. I want to feel human again. I want to take time to learn to be myself again, because I can’t just make that happen without giving it time and space and importance in my life.
I wish I didn’t feel like I’m expected to feel bad about those goals- like I’m letting down all the people who have supported me and expected me to be more, better, always someone special instead of just living a regular boring life. I wish I didn’t feel like my goals were totally unwelcome at this school or among other people of my age and education level.
